Last week every conspiracists’ favorite politician, Texas congressmen Ron Paul announced his retirement. For those unaware, the cult of Ron Paul among conspiracy theorists is rather enormous but with his retirement they will need a new political hero in this epic real-life tale of good versus evil.
I’m genuinely curious as who they will select when Paul’s term ends at the end of the year. That said at this early point in the race to be living god of the conspiracists, officially known as the Ayn Rand Memorial position, here are my three favorites:
Allen West - The Florida congressman may be seen as an outsider in this race but what West lacks in constitution worship and support for isolationism he makes up for in rounded conspiratorial thinking. In a short couple of years in the national stage he has already brought McCarthyism back, used a Nazi analogy and compared himself to Harriet Tubman freeing the black sheeple who mindlessly follow the Democratic party. With that type of rhetoric what conspiracy theorist could resist?
Rand Paul - The natural successor, Ron Paul’s son, and current Kentucky senator cares so much about the limiting government that he would have allowed the racial discrimination of the old South to continue rather than use government to stop it. Such a strong streak of anti-government sentiment will be hard to beat but he does have one major drawback. Choosing Ron Paul’s son would reek of aristocracy and the only thing more evil then aristocracy to a conspiracy theorist is… not accepting their conspiracy theory as true.
Jesus - In what would undoubtedly dismay the many atheist conspiracists, the return of the holy one from Nazereth to his rightful place as defender of the United States constitution  would send real patriots for liberty into a frenzy and, as an added bonus, cause wine prices to plummet. If you listen to Christian conspiracists none could be better at returning America to the land of the free and the home of the inalienable property-rights than it’s true founder, a 1st century Palestinian Jew with a streak for giving up your worldly possessions.